The thought of failure terrifies me. All my life I have been taught to be the best - the first time around. There is no try - just doing. And, it better freaking be the best otherwise all your effort is wasted.
Most of that pressure comes from me internally. I conjure these ideas that everyone else around me will judge me, think less of me and not like me if I don’t win. It probably stems from some psychological need for attention and praise. Don’t know. Whatever it is - my ridiculous quest for perfection has caused me to restrict myself and not enjoy the little moments. Every new task feels like a test. I get that same tense, no nonsense, slightly panicky feeling when trying out new things as I do when taking a major life changing test. The little things are hard to enjoy when you’re wound up like that.
To avoid that horrible feeling of defeat and self-loathing (I really, really DON’T take failure well), I’ve learned to play it safe and only risk myself when I have a good shot of winning or doing well. It’s lead to a superficially successful and somewhat unextraordinary life. I’ve realized by being afraid of failure - I’m failing at something far more consequential than all of my fears put together. I’m failing at enjoying life to its fullest.
In that vein, I will strive to take risks and shoo away those crippling fears. I’ll stop holding back. I’ll get out of my comfort zone. And, I will forgive myself if I fail.
Because, not trying is the biggest failure of all.